


Burn

by PorcelainAndIvory



Series: we could be enough [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post TLJ, Reflection, she loves that boy okay but she's heartbroken af, totally inspired by that song from hamilton, you've heard of ben solo train pain get ready for rey train pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-22 08:25:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13163094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PorcelainAndIvory/pseuds/PorcelainAndIvory
Summary: Spoilers for TLJ"In that hut, they found each other; saw the sadness, the loneliness and the longing for someone to understand their pain. In that moment, a part of him was hers.Or so she thought."





	Burn

**Author's Note:**

> TLJ made a mess out of me and I had the idea for this fic for a long time (literally the day after I first saw TLJ, so 2 weeks ago), and here it is. It's going to be the first one-shot in a series inspired by different song from the musical Hamilton. There will probably be some kind of plot so it's going to be in chronological order, but I may write a a piece about scene before this one. You may want to listen to the song while reading, I recommend the Mixtape version which is the one I listened to while writing this.  
> It's basically Rey thinking about her relation with Ben/Kylo and how he fucked it up big time.  
> Unbeta'd, sorry for the few mistakes :/  
> 03/21/2018: Edited to make it all in the past + the follow more closely the details given in the novelization

Sitting on the edge of her bunk bed on the Falcon, Rey idly fiddled with the broken lightsaber in her hands. A weapon that had been through countless battles, the latest one not even a few days before.  Useless as it was now, Rey hardly saw how the General could still believe there was hope for the Resistance. And yet, in the last days, in between two hyperspace jumps, during their short stops on different planets of the Outer Rim, sympathizers had helped them in small but desperately needed ways. The Outer Rim being the only place somewhat safe from the First Order for them.

The First Order, whose Supreme Leader was now Ben So-no, that’s not right, their Supreme Leader was Kylo Ren. Who abused her trust and kindness and left her with a broken heart.

She remembered all their conversions through the Force, through that bond that they had-still have? She was still unsure whether or not their connection had shattered the day she closed the door of the Falcon on him.  She cherished the thought that she would never have to see him again, and yet, a very small part of her clung to the idea that they would find each other again, in a daydream,  in a nightmare. And an even smaller part of her psyche thought that sometimes, in her sleep, she could feel the ghostly touch of a leather glove on her cheek, a moment where neither of them were alone anymore.

Thinking about it brought her back to that moment in the hut, when she had still been on Ach-To, where he had promised her that she wasn’t alone. He had listened to her the whole time, never saying anything, his eyes fixed on her, and only her. Nobody had taken so much interest in her before, except from other scavengers back on Jakku, when they believed they could team up with her but with only profit on their minds.

In that hut, they had found each other; saw the sadness, the loneliness and the longing for someone to understand their pain. In that moment, a part of him was hers. In his declaration, he had offered himself to her, to fill up the void in their hearts. As did she. Or so she thought.

Luke had reacted so strongly to their bonding moment, when he realized that their similarities did not end at their raw potential in the Force. Maybe she should have listened to him when he told her that her intentions were not going to be fulfilled. Maybe her heart wouldn’t be the mess it was now if she had. Maybe Luke would still be alive.

And yet, when he affirmed her she was not alone, she had been desperate to hold on to the hope, to this thread, to this one person that would understand her.

And that vision she had had, when they touched hands, it had been so splendid. A pure, unfiltered light, the Force thrumming lightly in her body and him, standing in front of Snoke, right next to her. She had glimpsed at something else as well before Luke appeared but the vision ceased when the old Jedi master had made himself known and blown up the hut. However, Rey remembers the feeling of happiness, a joy she had never felt before, and him by her side once more, his shape so tall but no longer menacing, but like a protective shadow, shielding her from the dark. In this moment he was hers again, and forever and the world burned with light, the kind of fire only sparked by passion and something else, different but just as pleasant, if not more.

But in the light of what he told her in the elevator, of his own vision, could it really have been something the Force showed her? Or had it been a creation of Snoke, a trap to lure them both in his clutches? Did it have any true meaning? Had he ever been really honest with her? Did he knew Snoke created the bond?

No, he couldn’t have, he had been just as surprised as she was, thinking the Force had a hand in it. And maybe Snoke had been lying when he said he created it, because she had felt something, back in that interrogation room, a feeling that passed between them the moment their minds came into contact with each other. And their last connection, when she closed the door of the Falcon on him, proved that whatever Snoke had done, it did not end with his death.

“Rey?” Finn stood at the door, a tired look on his face. The last days had not been easy on him: as one of the most unrecognizable member of the fleeting Resistance, he had been more often than not the one doing errands, finding fuel and food and other basic necessities for the crew.

Rey lifted her head, her lips stretching in a small smile as he continued “Leia wants us to meet in the main hold. Apparently, there is some broadcast from the First Order on the Holonet”.

She nodded and left the broken pieces she held on her bed before getting up and following Finn.

The main hold was crowded with what was left of the Resistance: twenty two people in total, all of them battle weary, with harsh lines on their faces, purple bags under their eyes from the lack of sleep. Some were sited next to the dejarik table, other stood in a circle, BB-8 in the middle, projecting some sort of commercial before the beginning of the transmission.

“I see the First Order took no time in taking control of the Holonet after the destruction of the Republic” she heard Poe saying a few meters away. Leia nodded, her face somber and grave, as if preparing for the worst.

Almost immediately after the Battle of Crait, The First Order had announced the death of Snoke and that as of this moment, Kylo Ren, master of the Knight of Ren, was Snoke’s heir and thus assumed the title of Supreme Leader.

Rey tried to swallow the lump in her throat, to no avail, as the distinctive symbol of The First Order appeared on the projection.

At first the image was blurry, but then that red-haired General appeared – Hugs was it? – and started screaming about how the First Order will restore peace and order in the galaxy. Rey saw several eyes rolling and heard even more sighs in the room as the ginger man continued his passionately boring speech. The camera zoomed out then and the shape of the Senate building on Coruscant came into view. Rey recognized it from old holos and saw Leia slightly frowning at the sight.

It had been years now that the capital of the new Republic had changed its seats from Coruscant, rotating every few years. The people of the Hosnian system had paid the price of being the latest one.

 However, it seemed the First Order was keen on coming back to old traditions, with of course their own twist. When Emperor Palpatine had declared his rule in the Senate building, the red-haired General conceded his place to the new ruler of the Galaxy: Kylo Ren.

Rey heard Leia drawing a short intake of breath at the sight of her son. How long had it been since she last saw his face? How much did he change? The scar on his face was brand new, a thin line caused by his grandfather’s blade. But the hair? The shape of his nose? The hollowness under his cheekbones? Had it always been there or was it the consequences of years under the fingers of Snoke? One thing was sure, those deep bags under his eyes, not so different from those under the eyes of the Resistance fighters, those were new. He had always looked tired to her, but never to that point.

He stood tall as always, in a regalia much different from his usual attire. The simple blue hue of the projection kept Rey from seeing the colors of his outfit but she could guess different tones, breaking with the monotony of his all black robes. A small circlet adorned the top of his head and fell softly on his well brushed hair. Maybe it was from his mother, but it seemed that his hair was always perfectly clean, far away from the greasy knots Rey would find in hers.

She absently passed a few fingers though her own short length before crossing her arms in front of her. No one could know how much this is affecting her, seeing him standing there, seeming perfectly comfortable with himself when she knew the truth of his heart.

Nevertheless, she listened to him rumbling about being saddened by the passing of Snoke and remembering what he did for the First Order, knowing kifrring well that he did not write this speech. However, her heart came to a halt when she heard her name.

“The Rebel Jedi named Rey” said the projection, “is responsible for the death of our former Supreme Leader and her capture is of utmost importance.” The members of the Resistance all looked at her concerned and questions burning their tongues but she kept her eyes on the holo projection, refusing to meet their stares.

“In an attempt to infiltrate the First Order, she managed to sneak under our noses and kill Snoke as well as his guard before I could intervene. Her last act before escaping was knocking me unconscious. Only the quick reaction of General Hux saved my life, and for this, I am eternally indebted to our good General.”

Finn chuckled lightly, as if listening to an old joke. “These two hate each other; it’s a surprise the First Order has not collapsed yet.” He explained when a few faces turned to him.

But Rey did not laugh. _So this is how it is_ , she thought. He put the blame on her for the death of Snoke when he had been the one doing the deed. Of course he would save his skin, to gain power over the First Order, ruining whatever was between the two of them.

She did not listen to the rest of his speech, preferring to go sit in the cockpit, observing the blue hue of the hyperspace jump in silence.

She was playing with the pair of golden dice left on the armchair when Leia arrived into the room. She sat in the pilot seat next to her and put her hands on Rey's, taking the dices from her.

“Han used to tell me the stories of these dices, and how linked they are to this ship. In a way, it’s a symbol of our lives. Two people, chained together by a series of event, always to be apart because of how different we were, but nevertheless too much attached to the other to do anything about it.”

The General had a soft look on her face, as if remembering old memories of happier times.

“Ben used to play with those. Made his teeth on it.”

Rey didn't know what exactly pushed her, if it was the vulnerable look of the General, the way her hands held the dices or the few tears gathering at her eyelids, but she found herself confiding in Leia all that happened in the days that followed her departure from D’Qar. How she had found Luke, what he had told her, but most importantly, her connection, that Force Bond with her son which had developed unbeknownst to either of them. She told Leia all the conflict she had seen in him, told her about her vision of their future, left out what she had learnt about the night Ben turned on his uncle, too afraid of what this piece of information might do to the already saddened General. She also recalled what happened on the Supremacy, the truth of the events that had transpired that day and how they had fought over Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber once more.

Rey finished eyes wet and her throat tight, as she remembered the last look they had exchanged as she had boarded the last member of the Resistance on the Falcon. Leia then took her hands in hers again.

“This bond of yours is a gift. I thought my son gone, but maybe he isn’t.”

“But, General, he is now the Supreme Leader of the First Order and fashions himself the Leader of the whole Galaxy. How could you still believe that?”

“Yes, my son has flown higher than even his grandfather did, and the fall will be even greater, but I believe we can soften the blow.” Leia cupped her right hand around her cheek. Rey could feel the callousness of a skin which had yielded weapons and treaties alike. “There was a saying I used to tell Amilyn when she felt hopeless. I had forgotten it, it seems. Luke always believed Darth Vader was not beyond redemption. Perhaps we should hold onto this as well”

Rey said nothing, feeling more conflicted than ever as Leia stood up and returned to the others. Rey followed her a few minutes afterwards but went directly to the crew’s quarter, picking up a holopad on the way. The room was empty and Rey was alone again when she sat on her bed, the two parts of her lightsaber still resting on the sheets.

Her curiosity got the best of her when she found herself searching for a written transcription of Kylo Ren’s speech. She couldn't bear to hear his voice, but she needed to know what else he had said. Every word she read was filled with hypocrisy and lies, and yet she could feel the truth underneath, or rather, the truth he wanted the galaxy to see. How everything he would do from now on will be for the good of its inhabitants, that the years of fear and hunger and pain were over and that the citizen would finally be able to live in peace as he would build a legacy that ould last for generations. Sentences which made no sense to Rey with the knowledge she held.

Ben Solo desperately wanted people to accept him, but all that Kylo Ren represented was fear and unopposed power.

And while they didn't know how to control that kriffing bond of theirs, Rey vowed to herself that she would ignore it. Withdraw herself from his fate, even if she had to suffer the consequences. Let him wonder how she truly felt about it, let everyone think it had no effect on her whatsoever, as it should. Even the General, who now knew of their connection.

He had given her so much hope, but destroyed it with a few words. And while she never stopped thinking about the honesty behind them, she couldn't deny the hurt they’ve caused in her heart.

She would watch their connection burn if she had to. Suffer through their forced bonded moment, set aflame the somewhat civil relationship they had found themselves in. Only this fire would cleanse her from the torment of her soul.

Nobody had the right to know what was happening in her brain, in her heart. They never knew the connection they had, and never would It was theirs and theirs alone and Kylo Ren had ruined it, no matter what his own mother could say about it. She didn't have a place or a say in their stories, in their intertwined destinies.

Further than that, Rey decided that she would burn all the memories she had of him, all the moment they had spend together, in a peaceful situation, as allies. That moment in the hut when she had bared her soul to him. In the elevator, her face so near to his she could have counted all his freckles, could feel his breath on her nose and his gaze on her lips. Those few seconds, looking into each other’s soul after he had killed Snoke to save her, right before engaging themselves in a fight against the guards, back to back and trusting the other with their lives. All those moments that had made her believe there was still something to be redeemed in Kylo Ren, that Ben Solo was still alive underneath his armor and waiting to be pulled back to the surface. She would forget all of these, give those memories to the flame of time to be eaten up and destroyed forever.

When Kylo Ren had chosen galactic domination over her, he had forfeited the right to be with her. He had forfeited Ben Solo and the future they could have had, the future she had seen. He had forfeited that piece of her heart that fell for him, for his ragged edges, for the soft tone of his voice, for the way his eyes had made her feel the most important person in the galaxy.

All that he would get from now on was cold ignorance and resentful looks. He had promised she would not be alone but had betrayed his words. They would be alone again, even if it broke her own heart.

She threw the holopad at the end of her bed before laying her back on it, the pieces of the broken lightsaber rolling to the ground of the ship.

Yes, let it all burn, let her forget the pain and give in to the only piece of advice he had given her. She would let her past with him die to become who she was meant to be. Those moments when he had been hers and she had been his would become ashes in her mind, and the wind would blow them away forever.

And she hoped that the embers of her fire would start another one. Bigger and brighter, visible from everyone corner of the galaxy, even the most remote ones. A pyre for him to burn for all the hurt he had caused to her. A pyre she needed and deserved.  A pyre to burn for his sins, for his broken promises, and for the way that her heart still clenched when she though of how his brown eyes gazed into hers with a softness she had never seen before.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, kudos and reviews are always welcome!


End file.
